The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Randomize
