Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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