I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
