look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
