I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
