Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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