I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
