if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
