Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
