Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
