If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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