im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
