Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
