My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
