Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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