He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
