I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
