we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
