my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
