I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
