Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
