Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
