so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
4 words: hood of his car
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
