At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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