it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
