Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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