Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
