when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
