if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
