There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
