i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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