rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
