I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
