I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
