I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
