Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You ruined the universe
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
