Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
