plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
