when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
