Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
