Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
