I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
