somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
