can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
