I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
