Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
