I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
