I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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