dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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