i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
