Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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