Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
