It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize