dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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