i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
