Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
