Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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