my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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