Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
