Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
