corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
