Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
smell my finger.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
