It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
