Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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