it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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