nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize