What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They are going to name an STD after you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
