Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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